I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
