Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
