im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
