I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
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