Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
There's always time for handjobs
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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