Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
