at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Randomize
