why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
