Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
you are never too drunk for berry picking
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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