I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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