Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
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She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
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I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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