Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
