I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
