You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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