u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I did not marry a roomba.
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