new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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