Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
