Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
