i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
