I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
