just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
