when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
