My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Randomize
