i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
