Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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