I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
