Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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