"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
