doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
Randomize
