I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
