I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
