Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
