life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
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