so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
