One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
