i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
