We're facebook friends in real life
Can i not drive my cunt home
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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