dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
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