If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
