I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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