Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
No subtext here. People are naked.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
There's always time for handjobs
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
