peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
