The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
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