Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
