i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
