Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
