Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
