Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Randomize
