so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Randomize
