Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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