youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
