My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
