i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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