how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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