The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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