OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
