i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
