i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
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