Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
